Absolute Gentleman

Later, I suppose I had to admit that I got a bit of joy from it, this mystery of the keys. She would never know, as she left town soon after, in what was either a disappearance or just a bit of irony. Who can say? The point is that she’s gone.

She didn’t approach me about the keys. I offered them to her. I’m not sure why I offered both keys, because only one of them worked, and now that I think of it, how sinister it could have looked considering neither worked for her. In fact, I have this helpless feeling now that I can’t explain myself to her.

I had an extra set and they accessed a studio I had been given the use of, free of charge. Overcome with good-fortune and the enthusiasm of having such a place, I hardly use it at all. I would arrive soon after dropping the kids at school, put on a pot of coffee, and rub my hands together like I was actually going to get down to business and work.

Ever since I’d begun taking the medication, though, I haven’t had any idea what work is, actually. There’s no putting my finger on — wrapping my mind around, as it were — what, exactly, I was supposed to do while at the free studio.

The coffee takes five or six minutes to get ready, so that time could have been devoted, nearly entirely, to mapping out a plan of attack — a veritable blueprint for action. The space was conducive to this, too. There were white boards and cork board walls and enough paper to lay everything out neatly, pin plans to the walls, but just like always I’m perpetually getting ready to get ready.

There were things to turn on and repair, candles to light, perhaps if, at that particular moment, I craved a candle — or a scent — because candles aren’t right for every moment.

I offered the keys because I could, and it was a great place just to be. I made the joke that the bathrooms were “industrial looking” but that they were clean, although I never knew how clean they were. I had some knowledge that the bathrooms were clean at one time, that someone took an afternoon to scrub things. I remember there was a fresh coat of paint at some point. But when I told her things were clean, I had no real idea. Maybe I thought I’d clean it another time, before she had a chance to use the place. I handed her the keys on a day she visited the studio, so I knew she wouldn’t have to use the keys until, at least, the next day.