Absolute Gentleman

Anything that has been “bathing my brain tissue” over the past four years can’t be great for me. The idea of anything bathing, or washing over, my brain matter is somewhat of a sensation, but it depends on the chemical. The current chemicals in there aren’t working. In the morning I swallow the pills with orange juice, they fall into my stomach, and start to dissipate into the digestive juices. When they get into my intestines, the bili — I think they’re called bili, let me look it up…

…villi, they’re called villi, the absorbent hair-like things in the intestine that pick up the nutrients or other that get incorporated into the blood stream. So the chemicals are absorbed into my bloodstream and begin the journey to my brain, where they will promptly bathe the brain tissue.

My grammar was corrected yesterday while I was doing my daily Jim Gaffigan replays. I told people that I was “moving kinda slow today because I had a Hot Pocket for breakfast.” A colleague said, “You’re moving kinda WHAT?”

I said, “Slow.”

She repeated, “You’re moving kinda WHAT?”

Again, I said, “Slow.”

I didn’t want to play, but I did anyway. Jim Gaffigan doesn’t say slowly, so neither do I.

When Eddie Vedder took the place of Jim Morrison during The Doors induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and he sang the songs, he corrected all of Jim Morrison’s lousy grammar. He ruined the songs.

If anyone wants a grammar lesson, let me know. I can make you feel dumb if I want to. But if you want to hear some funny, funny shit, sit back and enjoy it and don’t correct my grammar. It’s not the point. I mean, if my mother and father showed up and started talking to you, you’d know they didn’t go to college or pay particular attention to the old hag in the front of the room while she diagrammed sentences for the class. They sacrificed all of this so I could learn it and do all of their grammar for them.

So here come my parents. And there you are, judging them because they don’t speak so good. And here I come, waiting to make you feel as dumb as you are, if precise grammar is your thing.